Working in a children’s hospital, I have the opportunity to help children find some joy on their Halloween from a hospital bed. I’ve always felt so honored to be working on these special days. The smiles that are captured simply because they haven’t been forgotten or ostracized on the day their friends and siblings are out enjoying everything they too deserve-well it’s immeasurable.
This year I rallied up my colleagues to dress up as Disney Princess’s. Imagine all of the little girls in awe as they gaze upon their sparkly hero’s in the hallways handing out tiaras and smiles to these precious little imaginative sweeties. I make an awesome Snow White, not to toot my own horn. This is me in 2012. I rocked the part, high pitched voice and all. So it was unanimous, this year I was to bring out the big yellow sparkly gown again.
All week I stared at my beautiful Snow White gown, wishing so hard that it would feel just a little magical. But it didn’t. I couldn’t get myself to wear it. I couldn’t pretend to be a princess this year. I don’t feel like one and nobody likes a grumpy princess. I didn’t dress up at all.
Because this year Halloween was supposed to be different. You see in this picture from last year…I had just found out I was expecting Jake. That’s one happy minion.
That Halloween night (2013) Bret and I handed out candy to all of the adorable trick-or-treaters. We oooh’d and ahhh’d at the costumes that we imagined we may one day see our little one in. Robots, Buzz Light year, Captain America, baby pumpkins and dinosaurs and so on and so on. We were so happy, so full of hope that we too would soon be able to celebrate this night from the streets, not just the doorway.
But Jake’s “First Halloween” bib and onsie still sit in his nursery closet because I can’t bring myself to change anything in his room. Our Halloween just felt like another lost dream. So instead, I skipped it and drove off to D.C. where my husband and I watched movies and cuddled in a hotel room where no trick-or-treaters would find us.
Hiding? Maybe. Protecting our hearts? Absolutely.
And today I am also boycotting the newsfeed on Facebook because as cute as your kids are, the pictures just make me sad.
Because I want to post pictures of my little pumpkin too. And I’ll never be able to. Ever.