Waiting

Today is Day 10 after IUI. Day 10 of my 2 week wait. Day 10 on the unknown. Today is 125 days since the day I gave birth to my sleeping son. 

My husband and I are a part of the club, the infertility club. We’ve been a part of this club for almost five years now so the infamous two week wait is nothing new to us. But this time around, it feels so very different.

I always refer to it as the three week wait for us. I’ve been lucky enough to be pregnant 3 times, but still no child in my arms today. With each pregnancy, the second line on that oh so lovely urine test never appeared until three weeks post ovulation, not two. So I get an extra week of waiting each time, lucky me.

                                             


In the past, the three week wait has always been so exhausting, so dreadful, so exciting, so hopeful, so fearful, so powerless and oh so mentally draining. I can recall convincing myself moment to moment that I was experiencing a pregnancy symptom and then a premenstrual symptom and then wait, another pregnancy symptom. Google got a lot of action during the three week wait. If my eye twitched, my ear hurt, my throat felt scratchy or any little thing out of the ordinary..I searched for anything that could indicate that this could mean I was pregnant. I held tight to anything I could. I searched for anything and everything. I was searching for hope.


After my first two pregnancies resulted in first trimester miscarriages, I longed to simply hold a baby. After my third resulted in stillbirth at 28 weeks, I long to hold a living baby. These two things are vastly different. 

Day 10. Before I lost my son I would have already taken a pregnancy test by now, even though I knew it was too early, especially for me. This time, I don’t even have one on hand. 

It’s very different, this three week wait after baby loss. I am in no rush. I am not afraid, I am not desperate for answers, I am not going crazy googling everything my body is doing. I am just being. Losing my sweet boy has taught me that it’s so crucial to let go of the things you can’t control. It no longer excites me to throw myself into a world of what-if’s…because it won’t change what those lines tell me. It won’t change the chances of my cycle coming, or not. There is nothing I can do to change what is happening, or not happening in this body of mine. I have done my work, it is out of my hands. Now I wait for the results.



I can’t say I won’t be a mess if my cycle appears. I can’t say I won’t be a mess if it doesn’t. What I can say is that I am choosing to not be a mess in the meantime. In this time of waiting, I am choosing to focus on myself, because that is all I know to be present in this body today. If I want to spend the day crying over my son, I will. If I want to have a glass of wine with dinner, then I will. Until I know that there is another life to worry about, I am choosing to worry about me.

For all I know, this may be the only time for a long time that I won’t be living in constant fear. I wish I could say I will have the strength not to worry if I am pregnant, but I know myself better than that. I am almost certain I will be a mess, a constant mess until that baby is in my arms. Awake. Alive. Breathing.

So for now, I choose. I choose NOT to be a mess. Because for now, I have the choice.

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