What do I say? How do I start?
I dreamed of the day I would meet Jake. The pain that comes with knowing that I won’t-and that I cant-is so immense, like rushing tidal waves. It’s a challenge to keep your balance and your strength through the crashing waves, even at the shore. The ocean has always been such a mystery to me and to us all it’s so big with so much power. What happens when your thrown into the ocean without preparation, without warning. It seems as your gonna drown. Fighting the waves is tiring, exhausting. It feels and seems almost impossible. How could this happen? How could he truly be gone? To accept the answers to these questions is like being thrown into the midst of an ocean of confusion, sadness, and what some call denial. All these feelings were so much to handle and to much to grasp. I didn’t understand how a perfect little life left this world without me being able to say hello. How could God let this happen?
When I heard the devastating news that Jake had passed, utter shock rushed over me and as I started to feel again I became angry; angry and frustrated with God in a way I’ve honestly never been before. That was new, something I didn’t know how to handle. I prayed through it all putting every ounce of trust in God I had at the that time, to hold Lisa, and to give her strength. I prayed for God to guide Bret and Lisa, to show them his love.
Jake brought so much love, maybe only here for a short amount of time, but his love will last forever. Jake’s love for his mommy and daddy and everybody is nothing but pure perfect and unending love. How wonderful is it to be loved by Jake? How wonderful it is to be Jake’s aunt! How blessed am I to be now and forever Jake’s aunt. Dealing with Jake’s passing was in no way at all easy, nothing about it was or is easy. Saying goodbye to my nephew that I never got to meet was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I wish that Jake were here with us more than anything, I wish that he were here with his wonderful mommy and daddy the two most amazing people on earth. The most perfect parents to a perfect little boy.
When I learned Lisa was pregnant with Jake, a few days later I started writing a lullaby for him. After I found out of Jake’s passing the lyrics changed. Instead of singing to him and rocking him in my arms, I now sit in the quiet and I sing to him. Although I’m not holding him, I feel his presence in a beautiful way. Like an angel, he’s watching. Knowing that in those moments I can feel him I have found peace. The waves may still be crashing but knowing Jake is with me I can face the immensity.
Jake, sweet boy…I love you dearly. You have taught me so many things. You taught me the gift of unconditional love. I wish you were here so I can can play and laugh with you. Until the day I can, I will miss you. I love you forever and always.
Love, Aunt Autumn (Age 15)
“Angel above, angel to us sweet boy you sleep in the kingdom tonight. You are forever in my heart.”