This morning I literally pressed snooze SIX times, dragged myself out of bed to discover that I pulled a muscle in my neck while sleeping, tripped over a darn dog toy, spilled my first cup of coffee all over the kitchen floor, discovered a large and unwelcome pimple on my face, cut myself while shaving, cried the whole way to work and then arrived fifteen minutes late. Again.
Work was busy but tolerable for the most part. Until a little sweet boy called me Mom on accident while playing Legos. My heart completely sank. I only had one “almost” panic attack. Just one for the day is a victory in itself this week.
I indulged in getting raindrop therapy (very relaxing by the way-must try) and almost made it home but not before turning onto my street and stopping to allow a young family with a very pregnant woman pushing a stroller across the street. She smiled and waved at me. The tears just poured down with no hesitation. But then I made it home. Finally….some time to decompress. But then my one week old laptop decided to take a dump because I’m pretty sure I downloaded a virus last night. Checked my email and my newly hired web designer hasn’t responded to my emails in two days after she has already received payment. Of course.
I literally want to scream. Throw myself onto the floor like a toddler and have a fit because life just seems so unfair and I don’t feel like “not sweating the small stuff” today because the small stuff has added up to a near breakdown.
But the truth is, underneath all the small stuff, I just miss my son. And I can’t fix that or make it go away. I can’t make time go faster. I can’t speed up my heart to a place of miraculous healing. I can’t ease this constant ache in my chest. And it hurts so much lately. After losing Hope, everything feels so tiring and so darn unfair. And that ends my pity party for the day.
Because on my front porch sat care packages filled with comfort items from 3 families who love us very much. And right before the tears came again I ate a box of candy from another beautiful care package a friend dropped off on Sunday. We are loved.
It’s okay to have bad days. It’s okay to have tantrums. I’m letting myself go there. But at the end of the day we are so blessed to be so loved. And tonight when I crawl into bed I will focus on that. And pray like heck that my stiff neck is gone by morning.
Tomorrow is a new day. It might be a better day, it might not. But either way, it’s another day closer to being with my babies. And right now, that’s how I measure time.
One second, one moment, one hour, one day….closer.
If I could pick a song to sing to myself today….this is what I would sing. Because “I’m only human” by Christina Perry.