I can feel it. I can feel the build up reaching its peak. A break down in my eyes consists of a really rough period of time. A high tide. When the water is so close to going above my head that I feel the panic rising in my chest. My sleep patterns change. I can’t fall asleep and I wake often. I am restless all day. My mind spins. My heart feels vulnerable. My tears are sitting at the surface awaiting the right (well usually wrong) moment to come pouring down. It’s a lead up to a dark few days or weeks or month. I can’t predict that part.
Now that my life has found a new pattern and I recently have had more good days than bad…the breakdowns hit me even harder. It’s a deeper fall. It’s like jumping from a bridge instead of a few stairs. Extreme high to extreme low in a matter of days, sometimes hours. It feels a bit manic but it’s just the way grief is. The tides are not scheduled and there is no warning signal to prepare you for the stormy days ahead.
The strange part is, I almost welcome the storms. It brings me back to spending time in reflection. I feel closer to my baby when I spend days sobbing over losing him. I dwell on every memory I was given from the moment that test showed two lines until the moment I had to say goodbye. I purposefully listen to the music that brings me back to my pregnancy, his birth and even his funeral service. It aches. My heart hurts just as much as it did in those moments and I welcome it. I fear that if ever stops hurting so deeply that I won’t feel close to him anymore.
A full year is approaching. I was warned it would get hard again right around now. They were right. His birthday is arriving soon yet his birth date is after his death date. So it’s hard to celebrate in many ways. In some ways it was the best day of my life, just like any woman who meets her child face to face for the first time. In other ways it the worst. Before I get to honor my child’s first birthday in heaven, I have to re-live his death in the days prior. The painful memories are beginning to find me again.
The uncertainty of my future, the reality of trying to accept some new life long health issues and the inability to escape my past seem to all be overwhelming me at once. I feel scared. I feel sad. I feel broken.
Some days I feel good…
But lately I’m on the verge.