I don’t like to sweat. In fact, I actually despise sweating. I avoid situations that would typically include resulting in such. This would include (but not limited to) strenuous exercise, saunas, spending any significant amount of time outside on a humid day and of course, Black Friday. The uncomfortable feeling of sweat leaves me sprinting for the shower, rinsing away any trace of the salty glisten. It’s easier to just avoid it. So I stick to restorative yoga and air conditioning…until this week.
Last Monday I learned that our IUI didn’t take. I am not pregnant, again. After years of this, I am now left at the end of my rope when it comes to the various emotions surrounding failed infertility treatments. In the past I may have cried (a lot), screamed in anger or completely shut down, not allowing anyone in to witness my devastated heart. This time, I just felt sad. Sad because failed treatments are not just a big no anymore but they are now triggering big grief waves for me. They make me resonate on what we almost had and just how close we really were to having a family.
On Tuesday morning I woke up extra early before work and decided I wanted to take a walk
which is not a common occurrence which never happens. I convinced myself that with low intensity I could try to avoid the whole sweating thing. I placed my headphones in and within 20 steps the tears came rolling down. I spent the next 25 minutes with Jesus, asking him to reveal his plan for us & reminding him that I don’t understand what he is doing (just in case he hasn’t received the memo yet). I sobbed over our plans continuing to not coincide or at least not on the same timing. I didn’t praise him. I didn’t have it in me that morning. I just talked to him. As my walk came to an end I felt much lighter. I felt more ready to face the day.
I walked the next day. And the day after that…..and so on. This early morning time is becoming my time with Christ. The world is still very much at rest, the sun is rising and I can find my center more easily in the quietness of it all.
Yesterday, about 1/4 of the way through my walk I had the urge to run. Let me remind you, I do not run so even though I knew this could end badly, I went with it & I completely surprised myself. As my feet hit the ground one after the other, I reminded myself to keep a slow steady pace and to not give up so soon. My first goal was to make it to the big oak tree way up the street. Although I was winded when I got there, I kept going. I knew I could get farther even if it was uncomfortable. So that’s just what I did. I just kept going.
Today I ran even further and made better time. I was a sweaty mess and beaming with a mixed batch of pride and wonder. Running? Me? Really?
I have been thinking quite a bit about this new running gig. I am enjoying pushing myself past my own personal limits that I have put on myself. I am realizing that I am so much more capable than what I give myself credit for. (Aren’t we all?) I often underestimate myself in the insidious lies of unworthiness that have surrounded my journey to motherhood. These lies have shielded my vision from truth. Although I may feel like my body has betrayed me, it is such a blessing and my health is an incredible gift. This time with God has been so valuable. He continues to reveal his truth to me when I focus only on him and seek his guidance above my own. He unravels what I am truly capable of and helps me stretch beyond my comfort zone.
So what made me go for a walk that early morning? I believe God knew I needed to carve out specific time for him and so he gave me the motivation to walk that exact morning. He knew that once my cluttered mind found a moment of quiet, I would turn to him. His calming presence would motivate me to continue walking day after day, seeking Him. But what made me run? I believe this was another nudge from Him. Maybe it’s time for me to sweat. Maybe our next step to building our family will take more than walking. Is it time? Is it time to face more? To face the uncomfortable & the frightening path that will make us sweat a little more? Is it time to surrender to the limits I have put on myself, on our family? Have I been walking in my familiar path for too long when he’s really whispering for me to run a new trail? Is there something else he is trying to say? Maybe I am not listening because I am afraid of his answer. Or am I afraid because I am not fully letting go and trusting his plan for us? I am not sure but I will continue to run and chase after Him, his wisdom and plans for our lives and our family. I know in my heart of hearts that only he sees what we truly capable of and when we trust, he will give us the power to get there.
I know we are meant to be on this path. I know we are supposed to keep fighting, even if it means I am supposed to get more uncomfortable and sweat a bit.