There are so many things that I want to say to you, that I need to say to you. So before your little life finds its way into this life of mine, I want you to know just how much I already love you. I want you to know just how much you are wanted.
One day you might have questions about this. You may wonder about my love for you because you will one day hear about your big brother in heaven. You will see your Mama holding his blanket at night. You will witness my tears for him and see his pictures scattered throughout our home. I already worry that you will measure my love for you against my love for him. I am already concerned that you may feel like you live in the shadows of a little boy you never knew. I fear that you will secretly wonder if I wish you were him. So before you make your way into this life of mine, I want to tell you about how much I’ve always wanted you, just as much as I wanted him.
I will always wish your brother could have stayed. I will always wish we all could have known him. I will always wish he could have taught you the things that only big brothers can. I think that I will always long for the sound of the two of you bickering in the back seat of the car, the sound of secret languages with one another and bath time giggles. You are right about that sweet one, I will always wish he was here, with all of us.
But that doesn’t mean that he was all I ever wanted. Because I want you too. So.very.much.
I think about you every single day. I wonder how you will find me. Will you grow miraculously in my womb or maybe the womb of someone else? Will you dance around the kitchen in sparkly tu-tu’s or jump around the furniture in a superhero cape? Will you have my dark hair and your fathers blue eyes? Will you love the beach like Mommy or fishing like Daddy? I wonder about you. Just like I wondered about your brother. But you are different to me. You are your own self and he was his own self. You are not a replacement of him. I pray that you will know and believe this with every cell in your body.
We are a family. None of us are replaceable. I don’t want you so I can be happy or move on. I don’t want you because I couldn’t have him. I don’t want you because I have some void to fill without him here. I want you because I love you, for all that you will be and nothing less. I want you because I am your Mama and Mamas love all of their babies. I have lots of room for you in this heart of mine. Even though we look different, we will be just like other families. Each child has their own place in their family, just like you will. Your space will be yours and yours alone.
My little love, when I read you books that belonged to your brother, please know I would have read them to you even if he were here with us. When I dress you in the clothes that were meant for him, remember that they would have been your hand-me-downs had he survived. When I lay you to sleep in the crib that was bought for him, please know that we always planned to use that crib for you as well. And the anchor that hangs in your nursery is simply to honor your big brother, not to remind you that your room was once supposed to be his. Your room will hold enough space for us to love you both in it.
There will be times you see your Daddy and I looking through a very special box and you may wonder why we are crying. We are crying because we miss him, not because you aren’t him. One day when you are ready, you will sit with us and see your big brothers special things that we keep in that box and we hope that you will feel close to him and proud that he is your big brother. Because you will always have a big brother. Always.
You will notice that on every holiday, Mommy & Daddy visit your brother at his grave. It will make us so sad but we will also be so happy that we have you to spend the holiday with us. These moments where we miss him do not take away from the moments we will embrace having you. Each holiday will be even more special because you will be there to share it with us. You will make these days filled with joy just because you are there.
If tears shall fall from time to time while I rock you to sleep, please know that I think the tears would have fallen even if your brother was with us. We have wanted you for so so long that I am sure your very presence will bring us to our knees at times. We love you and I already know that we wouldn’t trade you for anything or anyone. And as you grow older you might wonder why I am a little more protective over you than you want me to be. It may be harder to let you ride in a school bus or sleep at a friend’s house. My love, please be patient with me. I will love you so much that sometimes I will get scared of losing you too. I will try so hard to not let the loss of your brother effect everything I do with you but this may be a big challenge for me. Please know it’s only because my love for you runs so very deep.
You may hear people refer to you as a miracle throughout your life. I want you know that your life holds no additional pressures because of the struggles we faced to get you into our arms. I don’t want you to ever feel like you have to work harder at anything to make me proud. You don’t have to live up to this title. The truth is, your brother was a miracle too. Every child is a miracle. If it hurts when people say this, you can tell them that you are just you-and that is so much more than enough.
I will love you for everything that God already knows you are and everything that God has planned for you to become. My sweet one, I’ve always wanted you. Always. I am waiting for you to find me because I know that you will. And the moment that I lay my eyes on you, I will know that you were chosen just for me. We have always wanted a big family. You have always been a part of our plan. Your brother made me a mama and you will get to make me a parent.
I think about you everyday sweet one and I am patiently waiting for you to find me. Because I know that you will. I just know it. And I already love you, a million times over.
With All of My Heart,