I wonder if I would have warned you, had I known what this journey was going to look like. I wonder if I would have told you to hold tight right before the ride got really shaky. I suppose it wouldn’t have mattered. Nothing could change this and I’m not sure a warning would have done me any better than being blind sided. I am not sure you would have listened to me anyway. You were always a little stubborn.
Old Me, although I think you were always a pretty sympathetic person, it would have been absolutely impossible for you to be as empathetic as you are now. You were always anxious for time to speed up. Now you are pleading for time to slow down, stand still with me-just for a little longer.
We are vastly different…Old Me and New Me...a transforming soul within four months of the same body. I am much more aware of how quickly life can change, much more comftorable in my own skin for who I was, who I am and who I am becoming.
The new me feel’s Jesus, literally feels and knows him, in a entirely different capacity. The old me didn’t argue with him quite as much, but even in the anger and confusion, yelling and screaming-my heart bleeds out honesty to him. Our relationship is more real that it was four months ago, our relationship is growing through the trenches. He is carrying me when I let him. He lets me believe he has put me down when I want no part of him, he stands quietly in the corner when I am bitter, just waiting for my heart to soften back up and welcome his loving grace to comfort me. And when I do, he’s right there. No resentment in exchange for mine.
Old Me, I wish I could have told you how important it is to be transparent with God. It’s as if the more you hold back, the more he will push in order to help you grow. I had a thought recently…the one we all have daily but this time the answer came to me -30 years of wondering later- just like that. My thought;
“Why does it seem like the nicest people get thrown the most heartache, the most pain…that the ones who are faithful seem to be slammed with such deep loss and grief constantly?”
Now I know that being a christian does not give me a “get out of jail free card” in this life…if anything, it makes the road harder. If that’s the way it worked, wouldn’t we all be so easily faithful to Christ?
It hit me. Maybe the most faithful ones are dealt the roughest hands because God knows they will be open to transformation. Maybe he knows others will see God’s grace in the darkness. Maybe we are his vessels…to help light his path for more to see his love. Maybe we have to feel this pain to grow deeper, in order to be a living testimony of God’s hands in the ugliest parts of life. Maybe our pain will free others and nudge them to an eternity where no more pain exists. Maybe.
So Old Me, I will carry the parts of you that make me who I am and shed the parts that are not pure. I will try to say goodbye to the pieces of me that do not bring goodness to this world, all while remembering that I am still and am only human for now. I am not worthy, but I can strive to be.
The new me makes me more of the kind of mother I want to be, more of the kind of wife I want to be. Yesterday at my son’s memorial service, the weather was looking worse than grim. In a frantic, people felt it would be best to move everything indoors. My reponse was, “Bring on the rain.” Because really, rain isn’t the worst thing that could happen is it? Old Me, you would have been too afraid to get wet.
So the rain came, just enough to reflect our sorrow and the sun came shining down at the perfect moment in the day, a reminder that rainbows do happen.
I thought I would miss the old me but in time, I think I’m going to really like the new me. I feel I know her better than I’ve ever known anyone else before.
I am transforming.
The new me is no longer afraid of getting wet.
So go ahead, bring on the rain.
“I’m growing older in the mirror, but prettier I feel each day. A brand new season is upon me, so you just best get out of my way.” – It’s Not Over by Alisa Turner