Dear Maddox

Hey little guy. You are getting my first angel letter yet. I have been thinking about you so very much lately, especially since your baby sister Adyson was born last month. I think about how you must have found hundreds of ways by now to be a big brother to her all the way from heaven.

I am certain you know me as I am just as certain you helped me to find your Mommy and Daddy. You must have known when you met your new friend Jake that he has a Mommy and Daddy on earth who are missing him so very much, just like your Mommy and Daddy are missing you. 

You and Jake have a lot in common. You were both conceived in such love and yearning by a loving Mommy and Navy Daddy who moved mountains to bring you into this world. Your lives were both cut so short for the exact same reason and now you both have Mommy’s & Daddy’s who are becoming such dear friends down here. I am sure that there are so many more things you two have in common and for now I can only dream of them.

Maybe you both love trains and trucks. Or maybe building blocks so high and then making them tumble down. Maybe you both love sloppy wet puppy kisses or chasing each other until you fall down laughing! Maybe you love playing catch with a big ball or blowing bubbles in the wind. Maybe you love snuggling in your grandparents arms and reading books or hearing stories about your family on earth. Or maybe you both love chasing frogs together, maybe lizards or bugs. 

One thing I do know is that you and Jake are together. Your Mommy told me so. Did you know that the very night that Jake’s Daddy and I were bringing Jake into this physical world that your Mommy & Daddy were in the same exact hospital at their support group, praying for us in the exact moments that Jake was born? This was not planned by anyone here. This was God and this was you Maddox.

One month later we met your Mommy & Daddy at that same group. It was the first time I could look at a woman with a big belly and not fall apart right there. Your Mommy walked in, 7 months pregnant with your sister Ady and my first thought was, “I hope I can be as brave as her one day.” Your Mommy has taught me so much Maddox. She is pretty amazing isn’t she? And she’s a wonderful Mommy to both you and your sister. Your Mommy is showing me that being brave has nothing to do with being fearless, in fact, it’s just the opposite. Being brave is being scared to your core and finding hope within your own strength and the Lord. And your Daddy, well, he’s one tough dude. He’s tough because he’s the kind of Dad that shows no shame in crying for his beloved son. He is not afaid to mourn for you and let others know how deeply Daddy’s hurt too. They give us hope, they give us understanding and they give us strength. They are so great, but you already know that.

You see, your Mommy told me that as she prayed for us when Jake was being born that she could feel in her heart that you and Jake were together. Mommy’s know these things. Even when our babies are no longer here with us, we can still feel them and we still carry that intuition that Mommy’s have. She could feel you two together and now so can I.

You’ve had a big job Maddox. You reached heaven 11 months before Jake so I assume you know all of the in’s and out’s. I picture you two as little boys, hand in hand, exploring heaven’s adventures together, you showing Jake all of the wonderful things you’ve found up there. I bet there is unlimited ice cream, big huge forts to play hide and seek and tons of cool animals to play with. I bet not a moment goes by that finds you two wondering what to do next with your time.

And Maddox, we can still feel you boys here you know. There are moments here and there that I just know Jake is with me and I feel lost in a space between heaven and earth that overwhelms me with such peace-for just a few seconds. I know your Mommy feels that too. We talk about you boys all of the time.

I know it may be a while but I can’t wait to meet you. I can’t wait to wrap you up in my arms and to thank you for being Jake’s friend. For showing him all the cool things up in our forever home. One day you boys will be showing us all of the things you have been doing. For now, we continue to imagine. 

One last thing for now Maddox, I need your help with something little guy. I was hoping you could teach Jake how to find me in my dreams, if you know how to do that. I’d really like to see him from time to time. Us Mommy’s down here really love and ache for those moments. I’ve asked him many times, but I don’t think he knows how to get to my dreams yet. (He’s still a bit younger than you!)

Oh and Maddox, you’re a really great big brother. Ady is strong, healthy and beautiful and I just  know that you made sure of those things.

I’ll write again soon sweet boy.

Lots of hugs and kisses for two sweet boys in heaven…

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