You have finally arrived. I have been anticipating you for a very long time now, October 21, 2013 to be exact. I hadn’t even called my midwife yet to tell her I was pregnant before I googled the “due date calculator.” June 27, 2014…sounded absolutely perfect to me. I met the love of my life on August 27, 2006 so 27 has always been a special number to me. I felt that this was no coincidence that I would also meet the other love of my life on the 27th.
You feel so very different now Due Date. That’s because you are so different. For 7 months, 28 weeks, you were so exciting to me. I imagined what it would feel like to go into labor. I had it all planned you see. I would stay home and Bret would help me labor at home as long as I could before heading to the hospital. I would deliver in the midwifery center with Bret and my doula by my side. No pain medications…I knew what my body and my mind were capable of. I practiced ways to cope with pain and prayed over and over again for a safe birth to happen on June 27, 2014.
I am not going to the midwifery today, there will be no natural labor, no anticipation of meeting my baby and hearing his first cry. I will not hold him today. I will not have that glorious moment that every mother dreams of when she first looks into her child’s eyes. This day is now oh so painfully different.
It’s strange you see what grief and loss do to a mother. They play tricks on her mind. If I am being honest with myself I can admit that after I lost him, I didn’t want June 27 to come. Maybe because it makes things even more real now and the difference between June 26 and June 27 is simply that, he was supposed to be here now. A whole new chapter of this grief journey will begin. It will go something like this, I’m sure of it…June 28: “He would have been 1 day old.” June 30: “He would have had his first doctor’s appointment.” July 1: “He would have had his first real bath”. July 4: “He would have had his first holiday and been just one week old.” And so on and so on and so on.
You can imagine….every single day is filled with “He would have’s” instead of “he is” moments and milestones. Other mothers who have lost their babies and children tell me this part never ever ends. Every single day of life for the rest of our lives will bring a “would have” moment. Right now, I know they are more apparent and raw than ever but I must admit this literally sends aches to my chest.
Due Date, this 27 number of yours plays a big part in all of this. I am not sure why yet but I feel at my core that there is something very significant about it. I met my husband on August 27. My baby shower was planned for April 27. My son was due on June 27. I learned of his passing on March 27. His memorial service will take place on July 27. I also learned of my first baby’s loss on July 27. If you have any insight Due Date, I’d love to hear from you.
Well, you are here Due Date. Every moment today has already felt much longer than usual but that’s no surprise. No shock to me. I suppose each moment will feel a little bit longer for the rest of my life. That’s alright though. It helps me to slow down and enjoy the small beauties of life a little bit more these days.
I may not meet my son the way I dreamed about today but it’s still a special day for us. We are together. Every day, we are together. I will always be grateful for that. I will always be grateful for the time I had with him while his heart beat inside of me.
I will see you again next year Due Date, and every
single year after that.