It’s been almost six months already. Some days I can’t seem to figure out how it’s already been six months. Some days it feels like I’ve been living in this nightmare for eternity. I have learned a lot about myself. I have seen some very ugly sides of me that I never knew existed. I have also found admiration for myself for the strength I never knew I had. I am learning that grief is not a choice in loss, but growth and healing are only available for those who choose them. They have to be welcomed. They have to be embraced. In order to grow, in order to begin healing, it requires taking a deep hard look at yourself as well as those in your life and all of the “stuff” that surrounds you daily. My job, my relationships, the energy I put into this world and the energy I receive back. It’s all intertwined into the massive growth that is just beginning to unfold.
I should preface this first by saying that choosing to step into a phase of healing is by no means forgetting or putting an end to my loss. It’s the awareness that healing is a life long process that will challenge me every day for the rest of my life. Healing doesn’t mean the pain is over, it doesn’t mean the hard times are ending. It’s a choice to find happiness alongside the pain that will always dwell at the bottom of my heart. No bereaved Mama “finishes grieving”. It’s just not an option. Even if it were an option, I wouldn’t choose it. Because choosing to finish grieving means putting my son in my past. He will always be in my present. My tears will never run dry. I will always long for him. I will always wish this never happened.
The ugly has reared it’s head. I have felt the deepest stabs of jealousy, resentment and bitterness. I have had countless nights of indescribable searing heartache, sobs of despair and cries of abandonment. I have lost my patience with complete strangers, ignored my own family members and questioned my faith. I do not like what my grief stricken heart is capable of.
On the other hand, I have surprised myself. I have literally been living my biggest fear. I never imagined that I would find the will continue standing after such an unthinkable loss. But I am
standing. I have an even deeper love for my husband. I still find laughter each day. I have been able to serve others in the time of my most desperate need. I still desire to spend my time with children even though I imagine my son in their eyes. I still have love to give and I’m choosing to continue giving it.
Most importantly, I’m not just praying-but I’m praising
again. I was afraid I’d lose the desire to praise forever.
Thank our Lord for his glorious grace over me.
Even though I am proud of myself for still standing, I no longer want to stand still. As difficult as it is, I am ready to choose heading towards a path of healing in order to find happiness again. I am not allowing myself to try and figure out how to heal as I know the paths of healing will find me. I am choosing to trust this because I know He is more than capable of bringing the tools, the people and the opportunities directly to me. He already has. I just have to be open to them. And I also have to be willing to listen to his voice when he says…”and as for that path…I’m closing that door for a reason.” Not all healing involves letting people in. Sometimes it involves letting people go, even when it hurts to lose even more.
So I’m here. I’m open. And although I’m a little afraid, I am willing. I am willing for myself, I am willing for the sake of honoring my son. I have promised myself that I would find a way to make him proud and that is just what I plan to do. No life is worth just simply surviving. It’s meant to be embraced. The good, the bad, the beautiful and the heartbreaking. All of it must be embraced in order for life to have real meaning and purpose. Otherwise, what’s the point? Really?
God’s plans for us never include shortcuts.
He loves us too much for that. I’ve never been one for shortcuts anyway.
So I’m grieving and it hurts. And healing-well that hurts too
-but I have to believe that it’s supposed to. It’s supposed to hurt. Growth is not supposed to just happen. It takes work. It takes pain. It takes tears. Most of all, it takes being open to it all-the work, the pain, the tears and the commitment to a journey that will take a lifetime. But I am choosing to face it and well, that’s the first step to embracing it.
Trust. It’s the surrendering of your own desire for answers. It’s letting Him let His will be done. Trust…you never realize how distrusting you are until you are forced to completely let go and learn to give it to Him