I didn’t expect this week to be so hard, the going back to school week. In fact, it rocked my world out of no where. The adorable Facebook posts (like every.single.post) of the first day of school, children growing up over the years, kindergartner’s standing slightly off balance by the weight of their over sized superhero and princess back packs, proud parents, new sneakers, you know…the typical back to school stuff.
I hold back crocodile tears as I drive past the bus stops. I scroll through the posts equipped and ready to escape the images. And I’m trying to process why it’s so hard. Even if Jake was alive, he wouldn’t be in school this week. He’d be five months old (and 2 days to be exact). And in a panic I literally thought “Oh gosh, who is teaching Jake his colors!” Yes, I literally gasped about this thought. Just another reminder that you never stop worrying about your children, ever. Even when they are in the safest place possible, you still worry for them, lose sleep over them and yearn for every one of their needs to be taken care of. Even the education of colors. As if this matters in heaven.
It brought me to thinking even more about how children are cared for in heaven. Do they have teachers? Moms who tuck them in? Dads to wrestle with? A very wise woman told me that she thinks that children who pass away are in the care of women in heaven who always longed for kids and could never have them, that they take care of our babies until their own Mommy’s and Daddy’s get there. I couldn’t have been more comforted by these words. I know many women who struggle for kids and long for them so dearly, women who I am so confident in saying would be some of the very best Moms in this world.
Then I wondered if Jake is even a baby in heaven. Is he five months and two days being rocked to sleep by his Angel Mama? Or is he 3 years old and can barely pronounce his R’s? Maybe it’s also his first week of school. Maybe Jesus loves superheros too. Maybe he helped Jake pick out a back pack and even took pictures for me to see one day. It doesn’t hurt to dream. I love imagining everything he could be.
When a Mom loses her baby, whether it happened in utero or any day after that…she doesn’t just lose a pregnancy, an infant, a child….she loses a lifetime of memories she has hoped for. She misses first day’s of school, tucking her child in at night, graduation day’s, wedding day’s and even grandchildren.
She misses so very much. So it’s no wonder this week is rocking my world. Jake will never get a first day of school. And that will always hurt, every September. But I can still have my bragging moment…Jake has the very BEST teacher this year! The kind every parent wishes for.
His name is Jesus.
And I know his intentions are perfect for my boy.
Superhero’s, Angel Mama’s and Jesus. Sounds like my sweet boy has everything that he needs.