In just four days it will be 2015. A new year. I have mixed emotions. I am ambitious for the possibilities of this new year but hesitant to leave 2014. It makes me feel farther away from my Jake even though the reality of it brings me closer to being with him, forever. It’s been a tough one to put it lightly. But it didn’t start out that way. January-March were great months. He was here. No sign of him leaving me. Then it all changed on March 27 and the rest of the year has been a mix between blur, disbelief, shock, fear, hope, more loss and a struggle with so many things including relationships, depression, terrible anxiety, lost hope and yes, a battle of emotions with God.
I see all of the Facebook posts; “It’s been a great year, thanks for being a part of it.” I don’t open them. I don’t watch the happiness of 2014 unfold for everyone else even though I am honestly grateful my loved ones have been blessed by it. I’ve considered doing one to just see what unfolds in my video but the truth is, I already know. And in all of this grief, I have been pretty blessed too. Blessed with new friends, blessed by a deeper clarity of what happiness means to me, what true friendship and family looks like, blessed by becoming a mother. I am so very blessed. But it’s still hard to leave this year. His birth and time of death will always be April 1, 2014 8:53p.m. Only 3 months away marks a year and I’m still in shock by that. Time moves fast. Grief doesn’t. And much to my dismay, January 1st won’t make the grief disappear. It’s really just another day. 9 months actually. 9 months to the day that I gave birth to my breathless son.
But there is hope in the new year. Hope for more healing, hope for new blessings. Hope for anything I am willing to hope for really. And I’m willing. Because living in a life of only sadness is no way to live. I realized recently that I have found my smile again. The real one. The one I knew and had before all of this happened. And I refused to let myself feel guilty about it. The truth is, I am doing okay. I am not the same but I never will be. But I’ve managed to get through this year with less regret than was surely possibly. I only missed one bill. Which I feel is a victory considering I barely know what day it is half of the time. I’ve gained more friendships than I have lost, by far. I can say my son’s name without completely falling into a puddle of tears. Others who have walked this journey before us have told me, “It gets better” and at the beginning of this mess I thought they were completely nuts or numb. But they weren’t. It does get better. The pain is just as real, just as sharp and deep but the joy slowly comes back alongside the pain. And it’s so relieving for someone who enjoys to be happy and make others happy.
I have no idea what 2015 will bring. Every year Bret & I say “This is it! This is the year, I can feel it!” But this year we know better. It’s out of ours hands as to what will come to us but completely in our hands as to how we will decide to cope with it. We choose hope. Not because we desperately need it (even though we do) but because we choose it. We are choosing to be hopeful yet again that our blessings will come in multitude and our sorrows will not.
Because our savior died for us, he gave us hope. So that’s what we choose. Our savior. And as we await his blessings, we will praise him in the storm and bow before him with our needs.
So does 2015 scare me? No. Not much scares me anymore. Am I sad to leave 2014? Yes. But there is hope in the fact that we are walking into 2015 hand in hand, hearts willing and palms wide open to accept whatever the Lord has in store for us. And ultimately we know, his love is so amazingly pure, that it must be good. And there is so much hope in that alone.
So Happy New Year. Or something like that. More like “Hopeful New Year” in our home. Be blessed loved ones.